Most of us have been there: you’re waiting for a meeting to start, standing at the coffee station, or riding the elevator with someone you vaguely recognize but have never spoken to. A part of you thinks, I could say something. And then another part of you talks you out of it. What if they don’t want to talk? What if I say something awkward? What if it just gets weird? So you pull out your smartphone, and the moment passes.
As it turns out, those fears are not just common — they are also wildly irrational. That is one of the central arguments of Dr. Gillian Sandstrom’s compelling new book, Once Upon a Stranger: How “Small Talk” Can Add Up to a Big Life.
Sandstrom is an associate professor in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex, and she has spent years studying what happens when people connect, especially with those they don’t yet know. Her conclusion? We dramatically overestimate the risks of reaching out and dramatically underestimate the rewards.
Perhaps the most striking data point in the book concerns a study of American and British college students who had 1,336 conversations with strangers over one week. Before those conversations, the students were asked to predict how many attempts would be successful. Their average guess: 40%. But the data tells a different story. The actual success rate? 90%. Nine out of every ten conversations went well.
We are not bad at talking to people we don’t know. We are simply convinced that we are, and that conviction holds us back far more than any real social shortcoming ever could. In a professional context, that misplaced fear may be costing us more than we realize.
In a recent article published by SmartBrief on Leadership, Connection Culture Group's Michael Stallard takes a closer look at some of the key findings from Sandstrom's book and how they can apply to our careers. If it resonates with you or could be beneficial for someone you know, we encourage you to pick up a copy of Once Upon a Stranger.
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